sledding

Garrett sledding


Olivia sledding

Avery's here

OK - so I know that it's not my baby - but it's my sister's new and first baby - and I'm so excited!! I've been dying to post pictures of her to share with all our dear friends but I wanted to ask permission first. Last night Ange gave me the ok - so here's Avery - she's soo cute!!!! I can't wait to hold her and kiss her and love her!! P.S. - I think she looks like Andrew! (Ange, what's up with our kids not looking like us?)

the lake

We've lived in MI for 7 months now - and had not been to Lake Michigan, until last saturday. We are vacationing there this summer with Josh's family and neede to check out the house we selected. Anyway, Olivia now wants to know when the summer is, and we're all excited to try out a new beach!

Snow cones anyone?

Wanted to post this cute picture of Olivia and Tirzah (our Lead Pastor's daughter), after they got done with their snow cones yesterday. Uncle J and Aunt Cheryl gave the snow cone maker to Olivia for Christmas, and it's a big hit (Even with mom- -easy to do and NO clean-up!!!!)!!!!!!! Can you tell I like it??

The New Year

The Crisp Family, livin', learnin', laugin' and lovin' in the year 2007!!





I know I'm a little late to post about new years resolutions, but life is a little busy. I'm not the type of person that makes resolutions every year, I don't even consider the new year a "fresh start". I've always just looked at it as a new year -6 months of putting the wrong year on my checks! However, this year is different. Josh and I have been saying since the miscarriage that the only good thing to come out of 2006 was Esther, the rest we'd like to forget. I know that's negative, but sometimes that how you feel. We've learned a lot about ministry, church politics(YUCK), friends, and those we thought were our friends, hurt, spiritual truths, promises fulfilled, some more hurt, true worship (especially when you don't feel like it), and the list goes on. As much as I'd like to forget 2006, I can't. And that's OK with me now. I know the lessons are God's way of getting us where He wants us. I know that no hurt will not be in vain, HE WILL USE IT FOR GOOD! I know I sound "christian" - and am using trite ideas - but they are the truth. And without these truths, God's faithfulness to bring about good, and the encouragement that comes from His word, I don't know where we'd be. I read a good quote the other day, "Hard wind and raging seas don't always mean your on the wrong path, it means you're right on target." We don't have all the answers to the questions we've asked God. We may never know why we went through such a hard time when we were transitioning churches. We may never know why our new young youth pastor and wife had and are having to go through such a terrible accident, and why their son was taken to heaven on that day.

So, I haven't made a resolution, I feel like God gave me some resolve about the next year. It's not going to be as tough. There is light at the end of this tunnel - and it's coming in the year 2007 - Thank you Lord!

Safe and Sound

We are now safe and sound back in MI. We were greeted with a day of snow yesterday -I shouldn't have asked where winter went! I wanted to share some pictures from the wedding, unfortunately, we didn't get any pictures of Josh, myself, or Esther with our camera! I know we are terrible! We all matched so nicely too! So, if anyone who was at the wedding has some good pictures they would like to e-mail me you can do so at bellajoy00@gmail.com! Thanks! Esther will not be left out of this post - she is happily riding in the car on our way back to MI!




Just call me DIVA!




Did I forget to mention the shiner Garrett gave himslef two days before the wedding?? Oh well, you get the true Garrett!

What's up with the weather?

Today is wedding day - and the forecast is 70 degrees! This is not your typical spring wedding - it JANUARY! Josh and I slept on my parents sofa bed last night with the windows slightly open and the ceiling fans on! How crazy is that?? Anyone else wondering where winter went?

Lessons Learned

Happy New Year! We are currently in New Jersey for Corrie's (my sister) wedding. Josh is officiating his first wedding, I am a bridesmaid, Olivia is the "Snow girl", and Garrett is the ring bearer. Esther is the only one not actively participating, but she'll still be there in all her fussiness. Right now we are all sick, except for Josh, pray that he stays healthy. I actually had Garrett in the ER on new years eve b/c he was running a temp of 104! He was fine, and was given antibiotics to fight his cough and cold.

I continue to reflect on the last couple of weeks in our life, and today was struck with some good application for my life. Many of you may not know that over a year ago, around last October, I was going through a Bible study that made me question how to have true peace. God was quick to answer with, "Give me control." I am admittedly a control freak, finances, child rearing, Josh's time management, whatever. I am continually being reminded that I am not ultimately in control, no matter how much I convince myself I am. So, to God's answer I asked, "Of what, specifically?", trying to trick God into not asking me to give things up. His answer surprised me, "The size of your family, do not control when or for how long you reproduce." The implications of being obedient to this command are many. One, financially, "how will we afford all the children You want to give us." For those of you who don't know, I've never had a problem getting pregnant, Josh basically just looks my direction. To which He answered, "I take care of my children." Two, "Where will we put them all?" Again, "I take care of My children." Three, "Josh is never going to go for this." "Josh is my child, I will take care of him." Four, "I'm overwhelmed with my two, almost three, kids I have, how will I cope?" "You are my child, I will take care of you too." Five, "People are going to think we are irresponsible, foolish, and crazy!" "You do not live for other people, You live life to glorify ME alone! I AM! You will have peace, give me all of your reasons, your excuses, all your insecurities." So that's what I did. Not without researching this "Full Quiver" idea and much prayer with and without Josh.

Fast forward to about July of 2006. Esther is 7 months old, still breastfeeding, and I'm a wreck. I'm so worried about getting pregnant again I can't enjoy that time with my husband. For months I have stressed about not knowing if and when I could get pregnant again. God tried to remind me about His promise to me about peace, and my promise to give him control, but I continually ignored Him. Finally, I started my cycle again and was relieved that I would know when I would be able to get pregnant so that we could prevent it, and we did. We completely abstained for the "fertile week". Obviously that didn't matter, and God showed his power and control in my life, even when I thought once again that I was in control, by our announcement in Mid-September that we were expecting again.

Fast forward to today. I pondered what it was I could take from this experience and the loss we have had. What I have learned about God's promise to me over a year ago, is that He is Faithful to fulfill His promises, even when we don't. I don't believe that I ever gave Him full control of the reproduction and family size, but He was still in control. He controlled when I got pregnant and was in control when we lost the babies. And you know what, I've never felt at peace more in my whole life. He continually wants to bless His children. He is a good and kind Father. Even in our disobedience God will lovingly bring us back into His wing to cover us with peace and love. So, my lesson in all of this, I AM NOT IN CONTROL!! How many more times will I have this revelation? I do not doubt that God's plan was fulfilled in all that has happened to us, and will continue to play out in our lives as long as we are teachable and willing to accept the easy lessons (do those exist), as well as the hard.

Many Thanks

I just want to begin this blog with many, many thanks to all who have been praying for us and commenting with so much encouragement and words of love. I know that part of the reason I am feeling so at peace and at rest is because of those faithful in prayer for us. Our friends and family mean so much to us and have really been a huge support through this time of loss.

I (Jess) am feeling really good. I haven't had an overly sad day since Christmas eve, for that I am thankful. Life keeps going and as much as I want to stop time, I'm not able to, I think that's a good thing for me. Most of the time, I go through my day just the same as I always have, thoughts of, "what ifs. . ." and "I shouldn't have done that. . ." and "maybe this is what happened. . ." ebb their way into my thoughts at different times, mostly when it's quiet in the house, or when I'm falling asleep at night. These thoughts do cause me to point blame at myself, but I know they are a lie. I know that they will only hold power if I start to believe them. So, I keep talking to Josh, letting him know what's in my head, so that we can support and pray for each other. Josh is doing well too. We are praying for closure for him. He never heard the heart beats, felt them move, and my body never changed. So he had to let go of something, that for him, was never there. For me closure came after the D & C, that was a bitter sweet day for me.

God has been faithful to us through it all. I am learning so much about peace and trust. I trust that God knows better than I do what those babies need, and what all my children need. I trust that this time of pain will be used for God's perfect will some day. I am resting in his peace, A peace that passes understanding - thank you Jesus. I am resting in God's timing, knowing that his timing is best no matter how bad we want what we want, when we want it. Thank you Jesus, for my 3 healthy children here on earth, and for holding my two babies in heaven for me until I get to hold them myself. They are so lucky, heaven will be the only home they'll ever know.

Esther is 1!!!!!

Happy Birthday to my little Bean (A nick name given to her by her Aunt Ange)!! Esther is just the greatest baby to have around. She's super loving and affectionate and is soooo cute, of course. I had to take some time today to wish my little Es a happy birthday and share some great pictures of her eating her b-day cup cakes this evening. All of you moms out there can appreciate taking off her clothes for the cake eating - all of my kids one year b-day pictures are the same, they are sitting shirtless, covered in cake! Happy Birthday! I love you Esther Victoria!

Not about Christmas

We are now 5 days removed from losing our babies and the grief seems to be getting more intense, at least for me (Jess). I guess I'm struggling now with how life goes back to "normal". We are in IN with Josh's family, but I don't feel like myself, and I feel like other people sense that and don't quite know what to make of the quiet, reserved Jess. That makes me feel bad, b/c I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable, I just don't have anything to say (I know that's hard to believe). I'm forgetting things that happened a couple weeks ago, I can't seem to come up with simple answers, like, "Is Olivia still into Dora?" I just can't come up with words to answer the question, it frustates me.

It's not that I'm thinking about the babies all the time, or even questioning God (which I've done), it's just I don't feel like myself. Maybe myself is forever changed, maybe I'll get over it, maybe I won't. I guess I need to know where to go from here.

I am trusting that God is leading me out of the "valley of shadow of death" and that his "rod and staff are comforting me". This Psalm has not stopped running through my head these last couple of days and brings me comfort. I am resting in the wing of the true Comforter and finding just that, amidst the confusion in my mind.

Thank you for all your prayers and comments. Thank you for reading the babblings of my heart.

News

As many of our fathiful followers of our blog have known we were expecting our fouth baby on May 8th 2007. I have sad news that we found out on Tuesday of this week that the BABIES are no longer with us. Josh and I went in for our 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby and learned that there was not just one, but two babies who had gone to see our Jesus before we ever got to meet them. The emotions that ran through us in those first moments, learning of twins, then learning they were gone, cannot be expressed on paper. I had known something wasn't right with the baby for a couple weeks now - there was some kind of mothers intuition that was telling me something was wrong. I even took a pregnancy test a couple of weeks ago, b/c I was that certain. It did come back positive, but the Dr. said that would happen b/c those hormons remain in the body for a while. At the time of the ultrasound, they were only measuring 13.5 weeks - they do shrink down after they are gone, but not that much. So, my belief is that they had been gone for many weeks and my body just held on to them. The other kids don't really understand the depth of loss and are just worried about mommy, whose "nose is still red and is crying again."

I had a D&C yesterday and am recovering under the strict watch of my loving and sweet husband who won't let me do anything! It's a little weird to go from doing everything all day, to nothing. I love him for making me rest and I love him for being the one I get to go through this with. I love that he wants to protect me and tell me I did nothing wrong. I love him for being sad and for knowing that this still won't be the end of the Crisp kids for us.

God has been a strong sustainer in all this and has given me great peace today (don't know how I'll be tomorrow). I praise him for knowing what we need before we do and for being in control, even when we don't understand His reasoning. I'm thankful I've got two babies in heaven waiting for us. And I know that they will never have to endure the hardships of this life, and for that I am thankful. As much as I wish they could be mine, I know they are better with our Jesus.

Happy 4th Brithday Olivia!

Olivia turns 4 tomorrow - I can hardly believe it! I meant to put the pictures in order of the years - but downloaded them and than realized I'd forgotten last year - so that's the first pic.




Last December when Olivia was 3.


Olivia - 1 month


Olivia eating her 1st birthday cake.


Olivia at 2 - still not much of a baller!



Olivia cheesing it up for the camera at a holiday parade this year!

Playing in the snow

Josh shared in October about our snow, that was crazy! November was very mild and nice, but now that December has arrived, so has the snow. The kids are having a great time playing in it. You'll notice that getting a picture of the three of them is nearly impossible, and when I can, it's not good at all!

Get to know Olivia

Everyone keeps asking me what they should get for Olivia for Christmas, and I keep telling them something creatively driven. Olivia would sit for hours and paint, color, bead, bake, etc. A few weeks ago we had a cookie decorating day at our moms group from church and Olivia loved it! All the kids had fun, but got tired of it pretty quickly, Olivia wanted to decorate all afternoon (Notice, there are no other kids at the table with her). There were cookies that didn't make the cut because they were broken, she decorated those the next day - every last one. She's also got a little OCD in her, she organizes everything. Her blocks get put into color towers, with alike letters. Her halloween candy was organized into catagories as well. When she opens candy, like smarties or sweet tarts, they all get put into color piles, then she can eat them. It's pretty funny right now, but I'm a little scared about the future. . . Anyway, all that to explain the snowflake cookie with chocolate chips that match the icing beneath it. There were no purple chips and after a slight freak out she had to settle with green and orange.

Thanksgiving Memories

Over Thanksgiving we were able to take a short trip to Indiana to visit with Josh's family - what a time! Six adults and six kids (all under the age of 4), sleeping in one house, oh, and let's not forget the dog! It was so great to see Nana and Pa-pa and anuts and uncles and lots of cousins that we never get to see! On turkey day we had 9 kids under the age of 4 in the house to eat - the pictures will help capture some of the fun times. Because the weather was so nice, we took some of the older ones for a walk in the afternoon to get them out of the house. I'm so thankful for a great extended family that cherishes traditions and family time just like I was used to growing up!

esther's laugh

jess tried to post this the other day and she couldn't get it to work. we just thought that this was so cute.

funny videos

esther's new trick

I blogged a while ago that I wasn't looking forward to another early walker, but that's what I got. Everytime she's on her feet (which is often) she walks at least 5 to 10 steps. For those of you who may not be impressed, she's only 10 months old as of Oct. 27th! I give her a week before she's walking all the time. We were spending some time in Josh's office tonight, while the older ones are in class, and I thought I'd try to catch her in the act - it doesn't show her full abilities - but kids never do what you want them to, do they? However, it does catch, PERFECTLY, the face she makes when she sees the camera - it's towards the end - you'll love it! This one's for you Uncle J!!

our little cheerleader

i get so tired of this site not allowing me to put as many pictures as we want, but i guess i'll work with what i've got. here is another picture from the children's museum. jess loves the cowboys so that is why olivia is a cowboy's cheerleader.