A long way to go

There's a place I chose not to live, most of the time. It's taken time, prayer, and recognition of this place to become better at not living there. I think for most parents, this place is familiar. It often times feels safe, it's anything but safe. It can feel controlled, but in reality, is a spinning cycle of uncertainty and self-sufficiency.

This place is called fear and worry. This place manifests itself in many different ways. Fear of the unknown. Fear of man. Worrying about what people think about you. Worry about children, their salvation, their present, their future, their safety. Worry about stuff, not enough money, time, friends. This place can suck you in and suffocate you before you even know what hit you.

This past weekend, I had an opportunity to fall head-long into this place. We were at a birthday party, all of us. Through circumstances beyond my control, Josh had to leave to pick something up. On the way, he ran out of gas. This prolonged his time away from the party significantly, and left me with the 5 kids to manage at a pool party. As the party was winding down, only Garrett remained in the pool. Olivia, Esther, and Gideon were happily playing in the sprinkler. Nora was not so happy, as she was 1 hour over due for her nap and feeding. After waiting as long as I could, I stepped inside the house to nurse Nora. After about a minute, the owner of the house came to the door.

M: "Jess, he's fine. But I wanted to let you know that Gideon got into the pool without his swimmies on and my father-in-law pulled him out." He's fine, just upset."

Me: (completely embarrassed) "Oh...um...okay. Thanks." What am I suppose to do? Nora, nursing. . .Gideon almost drowning. . .Josh not here. . .all these people who I don't know. . .a complete stranger saved my child from drowning. . .oh my, Gideon could have died. . .oh thank you God.

I hurry outside, thank the father-in-law, still embarrassed at my lack of control and manageability at my life. As I walk over to Gideon, I look around to see if people are looking at me, judging me. I would be judging me. He's fine, really fine. Not hysterical, not even crying. He looked a little scared - but that's it. I hug him, ask him if he's ok and remind him that he can't go swimming without swimmies on. I'm not sure if he's catching everything, but I need to say it anyway.

I am thankful that I have come far in not worrying about what I can't control. This day, I choose not to live in a state a guilt over what happened. I choose to not beat myself up, over and over again. I choose not to replay all the "what if" scenarios in my head. I thank God for His grace, perspective, and protection given to me (and Gid) in this day.

I am still working on my fear of man, of what people think of me. Even tonight, as Josh read over this blog, I asked him, "Does it seem like I don't care about my children? Because I don't want people to think that I didn't care what happened. . .because I do. . .I really do. . .I just want people to read it the right way." He gently corrected me and said, I WAS living in that place. I was afraid of what people might think of me, based on how I conveyed the story.

So, I'm still a work in progress. Although I have come a long way from where I once lived in the place of fear and worry, evidently, I have a LONG way to go. This work will be completed in me, thanks be to God!

Safe in daddy's arms.

The kiddie pool is better suited for him.

Or the slip n' slide.

For Nana

Here are some cute pictures of the kids for Nana. Because Josh's mom doesn't have FB, she often misses the pictures I post there. So, here you go, Nana - enjoy!

Nora almost 9 months old. Teething, crawling, and cruising.

Olivia and Esther, little ladies.

Garrett and Gideon.

Can't you feel the love?

Daddy and Gideon in the pool.

Swing set fun!

Can you guess?

Can you guess what this face got today?

With all the dirt and mess?

And all the cuteness and sass?

This face got

these hands,

and these hands

to set up our TRAMP!!

Yay for hours and hours of jumping fun!!

Who is your hero?

The other night at care group, we were asked the ice-breaker question of "Who is your hero?" I didn't have much time to think about it, but I didn't need time. The answer was easy. As silly and backwards as this may sound coming from the 'older sister', Ange is my hero. As I thought about why, that was easy too, everything that I lack - every shortcoming I see in myself, I see in her as her strength. We are far from perfect - all of us. But, if there was someone whose positive qualities I want to emulate in my everyday life, it's Ange.

Unlike me, she naturally and sacrificially LOVES all children, deeply. Her eyes light up at the sight of not only her own children, but also, her nieces and nephews. And now that we live close to each other, I see how beautifully she loves all the children that are in her house on a weekly basis.

And while we are talking about her house. . .yet another reason she's my hero. Her house, IS her ministry to the world. It is her way of giving back, to her God, her family (even though we don't deserve it), and her community. She has altered my thinking in what we can do with what we are given, and for that, I thank her.

Have I mentioned that Ange is an amazing mother? She challenges me daily, to take a breath, think before I answer, and love not just in word, but in deed. Whether that is going above and beyond in action, or taking a minute to hug and kiss my kids, just because I can. She can often be seen taking a minute to sing with, dance around, or build with her children. I hope her girls will come to know how special their mom is.

Ange, on this day, your 29th birthday, I pray that you will know you are loved. I pray you will know that because of you, I am a better wife, mother, friend, and sister. I want you to know that YOU are my hero. You make the world a beautiful place to be, as you live and love.

Nora

I'm sure you've heard the saying that the last child in the family never has pictures to show for their childhood. This is not the case for our littlest Crisp. It may be that I love to take pictures. It may be that I love taking pictures with our new camera. It may be that I swore I WOULD take pictures of all my kids as much as possible. Whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter, Nora will have memories of her childhood. Whether it be

Swinging with her sisters,

climbing on the dog,

and her brother.

Without her binkie

or with it.

Sitting in the grass

or learning how to stand on her own.

Smiling happily

or enduring another maul session by well-meaning, loving sibling.

But most of all, I hope she sees that her family loves her, and always will.

Just because. . .

. . .they are SO cute!

Just some cute shots of the 2 littlest Crisp kids. Gid is talking more and more clearly and Nora is "inch worm" crawling and almost going to sitting from the belly position.

Sunday Silliness

Where do you eat your Sunday afternoon meal? In our house, we thought (actually, it all happened by chance) that it would be fun to eat lunch on the kitchen floor.

It started because I placed Nora on the floor, while I got the older kids sandwiches made.

It wasn't long until the other kids joined her on the floor for an impromptu indoor picnic.

You'll notice that one child is missing. She took her picnic outside. There's always one that marches to their own beat.

And that was just the beginning of our silliness for the day.

Our next bit of silliness comes from a crazy new fad called silly bands. Heard of them? No? Well, I'm sure it won't be long before your children ages 4-18 are asking for them. I hadn't heard of them until about a week ago. Olivia told me about them. Her description, "Mom, they are like hair bands, but in the shape of things, like cars, animals, food. And you wear them on your wrist." Needless to say, I was less than impressed. Sounded kinda, pointless. A couple of days ago Olivia came in the house with one on her wrist, a neighborhood boy gave her one. Over the course of a couple of days, she had been given a hand full. Then last night at a fundraiser event, she saw a friend and went to talk to her. She came back with a new silly band, that she traded with this friend. So, I guess the point, isn't just that you wear color, shaped rubber bands on your wrists. They are for giving away and trading. . .I think. Still sounded kinda pointless to me, but if they are giving them away and trading them, they are learning life skills. . .right?

Regardless, I caved to the fad and searched high and low so my kids arms could look like this.

On the arm, they don't look like much. Here's what they look like off arm.

Can you guess what they are? And the two red triangle thingys are different.

The kids organizing and trading.

There was such a small selection at the store I was in, that I had to settle for an open package of fast food bands and Yankees bands. Or, as my husband calls it, the Evil Empire. And, he has trained Garrett well. When G saw the Yankees symbol, he said, "Yuck!" And didn't take any of those for his collection.

More trading.

There was some complaining about who had what and how many one kid had over the other. I threatened to take them away for good, and Olivia said, "That's what Aunt Bev told Nick and Sarah (ages 11 and 13)." Like I said, a fad. I don't quite get it, but then again, what was the big deal about jellies??

these beautiful faces

Love these faces!

Love, Love, Love them.

I don't always like their attitudes.

Especially about having their picture taken.

But I still love capturing the moments. . .and the faces.

The dirty face.

The angelic face.

The beauty.