I just want to begin this blog with many, many thanks to all who have been praying for us and commenting with so much encouragement and words of love. I know that part of the reason I am feeling so at peace and at rest is because of those faithful in prayer for us. Our friends and family mean so much to us and have really been a huge support through this time of loss.
I (Jess) am feeling really good. I haven't had an overly sad day since Christmas eve, for that I am thankful. Life keeps going and as much as I want to stop time, I'm not able to, I think that's a good thing for me. Most of the time, I go through my day just the same as I always have, thoughts of, "what ifs. . ." and "I shouldn't have done that. . ." and "maybe this is what happened. . ." ebb their way into my thoughts at different times, mostly when it's quiet in the house, or when I'm falling asleep at night. These thoughts do cause me to point blame at myself, but I know they are a lie. I know that they will only hold power if I start to believe them. So, I keep talking to Josh, letting him know what's in my head, so that we can support and pray for each other. Josh is doing well too. We are praying for closure for him. He never heard the heart beats, felt them move, and my body never changed. So he had to let go of something, that for him, was never there. For me closure came after the D & C, that was a bitter sweet day for me.
God has been faithful to us through it all. I am learning so much about peace and trust. I trust that God knows better than I do what those babies need, and what all my children need. I trust that this time of pain will be used for God's perfect will some day. I am resting in his peace, A peace that passes understanding - thank you Jesus. I am resting in God's timing, knowing that his timing is best no matter how bad we want what we want, when we want it. Thank you Jesus, for my 3 healthy children here on earth, and for holding my two babies in heaven for me until I get to hold them myself. They are so lucky, heaven will be the only home they'll ever know.
5 comments:
Jess and Josh,
I too have been praying for you guys as you go through the loss of your little ones as they went to be with Jesus. Know that we love you. We will continue to pray for you as I know this a very difficult time.
Karen and Beau Dowden
It's been awhile, We were friends at IWU, but you knew me as Karen Grinder!
Josh & Jess,
Sorry for your losses. You will be in our prayers during this difficult time.
The Schmitz Family
You are in my prayers always, my heart hurts for your pain. Praying for you.
Nate
Your strength and faith are such an encouragement to see. Thank you for the example you guys are to everyone around you, including me and Cheryl.
Jess, we wish you and Josh the best. You are in our prayers.
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