Lessons Learned

Happy New Year! We are currently in New Jersey for Corrie's (my sister) wedding. Josh is officiating his first wedding, I am a bridesmaid, Olivia is the "Snow girl", and Garrett is the ring bearer. Esther is the only one not actively participating, but she'll still be there in all her fussiness. Right now we are all sick, except for Josh, pray that he stays healthy. I actually had Garrett in the ER on new years eve b/c he was running a temp of 104! He was fine, and was given antibiotics to fight his cough and cold.

I continue to reflect on the last couple of weeks in our life, and today was struck with some good application for my life. Many of you may not know that over a year ago, around last October, I was going through a Bible study that made me question how to have true peace. God was quick to answer with, "Give me control." I am admittedly a control freak, finances, child rearing, Josh's time management, whatever. I am continually being reminded that I am not ultimately in control, no matter how much I convince myself I am. So, to God's answer I asked, "Of what, specifically?", trying to trick God into not asking me to give things up. His answer surprised me, "The size of your family, do not control when or for how long you reproduce." The implications of being obedient to this command are many. One, financially, "how will we afford all the children You want to give us." For those of you who don't know, I've never had a problem getting pregnant, Josh basically just looks my direction. To which He answered, "I take care of my children." Two, "Where will we put them all?" Again, "I take care of My children." Three, "Josh is never going to go for this." "Josh is my child, I will take care of him." Four, "I'm overwhelmed with my two, almost three, kids I have, how will I cope?" "You are my child, I will take care of you too." Five, "People are going to think we are irresponsible, foolish, and crazy!" "You do not live for other people, You live life to glorify ME alone! I AM! You will have peace, give me all of your reasons, your excuses, all your insecurities." So that's what I did. Not without researching this "Full Quiver" idea and much prayer with and without Josh.

Fast forward to about July of 2006. Esther is 7 months old, still breastfeeding, and I'm a wreck. I'm so worried about getting pregnant again I can't enjoy that time with my husband. For months I have stressed about not knowing if and when I could get pregnant again. God tried to remind me about His promise to me about peace, and my promise to give him control, but I continually ignored Him. Finally, I started my cycle again and was relieved that I would know when I would be able to get pregnant so that we could prevent it, and we did. We completely abstained for the "fertile week". Obviously that didn't matter, and God showed his power and control in my life, even when I thought once again that I was in control, by our announcement in Mid-September that we were expecting again.

Fast forward to today. I pondered what it was I could take from this experience and the loss we have had. What I have learned about God's promise to me over a year ago, is that He is Faithful to fulfill His promises, even when we don't. I don't believe that I ever gave Him full control of the reproduction and family size, but He was still in control. He controlled when I got pregnant and was in control when we lost the babies. And you know what, I've never felt at peace more in my whole life. He continually wants to bless His children. He is a good and kind Father. Even in our disobedience God will lovingly bring us back into His wing to cover us with peace and love. So, my lesson in all of this, I AM NOT IN CONTROL!! How many more times will I have this revelation? I do not doubt that God's plan was fulfilled in all that has happened to us, and will continue to play out in our lives as long as we are teachable and willing to accept the easy lessons (do those exist), as well as the hard.