Psalm 40

Overall, I would consider myself pretty positive person, and I think that others would say the same. This has not been the case the last couple of days. I am in the middle of some major growing pains and I WANT OUT! I'm not sure what God's purpose in this refinement is, but right now, I'm fighting it with everything I have.

Yesterday, I actually wrote a blog about how I feel. This is one of the sentences I wrote, 'I want God to show me exactly what I can do to make everyone in my family happy. To fulfill every one's different personalities and I want it to fit into HIS perfect plan so we can live in utopia for the next 50 years.' REALLY!! I want a to live in a utopia?? How delusional is that?

I feel 'let down' by much of what is happening in our life. And immediately after feeling that, I feel guilt, because I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I can rant on and on about the blessings and provisions we have been given, but they're just in my head - my heart hasn't been able to see them clearly.

As Josh and I talked about this last night, I told him I feel lost. I have no sense of purpose. I know the "Christian" answers to this problem, but those answers aren't enough for me right now. At least, I don't think they are. He said that everyone feels like that. That, most of us are walking around confused and reaching out to anything to find purpose. Is that true? Do you feel lost on this journey you're on? I know I haven't always felt like this, I know at some points in my life, I had purpose. . .at least I convinced myself I did. See? Did you see what just happened? The doubt just creeps in a steals any sort of joy that I could find that might bring me out of this valley.

I share all of this, because as most of you know, I process and grow by verbalizing. This is the way I can verbalize when the only people home are our beautiful rug-rats.

I feel lighter already.

This blog is mostly a testament to our kids. It has, when needed, taken the form of my growing pains. We aren't perfect in our marriage, as parents, or Jesus followers. We are traveling our path, sometimes in the dark, sometimes with big neon signs, sometimes on our own, sometimes holding our Guide's hand. Our path has taken us into lower valleys then this one. . .my hope and prayer is that I'm on my way up to the Rock.

If you're stuck in a valley, if you are also fumbling around in the dark, be encouraged. You are not alone. We have a Deliverer. We have one who does answer prayers. One who makes our path clear. One whose plan is GREATER than anything we can even wish for or imagine. Let us not lose hope. . .our hope is in the Lord.