Many Thanks

I just want to begin this blog with many, many thanks to all who have been praying for us and commenting with so much encouragement and words of love. I know that part of the reason I am feeling so at peace and at rest is because of those faithful in prayer for us. Our friends and family mean so much to us and have really been a huge support through this time of loss.

I (Jess) am feeling really good. I haven't had an overly sad day since Christmas eve, for that I am thankful. Life keeps going and as much as I want to stop time, I'm not able to, I think that's a good thing for me. Most of the time, I go through my day just the same as I always have, thoughts of, "what ifs. . ." and "I shouldn't have done that. . ." and "maybe this is what happened. . ." ebb their way into my thoughts at different times, mostly when it's quiet in the house, or when I'm falling asleep at night. These thoughts do cause me to point blame at myself, but I know they are a lie. I know that they will only hold power if I start to believe them. So, I keep talking to Josh, letting him know what's in my head, so that we can support and pray for each other. Josh is doing well too. We are praying for closure for him. He never heard the heart beats, felt them move, and my body never changed. So he had to let go of something, that for him, was never there. For me closure came after the D & C, that was a bitter sweet day for me.

God has been faithful to us through it all. I am learning so much about peace and trust. I trust that God knows better than I do what those babies need, and what all my children need. I trust that this time of pain will be used for God's perfect will some day. I am resting in his peace, A peace that passes understanding - thank you Jesus. I am resting in God's timing, knowing that his timing is best no matter how bad we want what we want, when we want it. Thank you Jesus, for my 3 healthy children here on earth, and for holding my two babies in heaven for me until I get to hold them myself. They are so lucky, heaven will be the only home they'll ever know.

Esther is 1!!!!!

Happy Birthday to my little Bean (A nick name given to her by her Aunt Ange)!! Esther is just the greatest baby to have around. She's super loving and affectionate and is soooo cute, of course. I had to take some time today to wish my little Es a happy birthday and share some great pictures of her eating her b-day cup cakes this evening. All of you moms out there can appreciate taking off her clothes for the cake eating - all of my kids one year b-day pictures are the same, they are sitting shirtless, covered in cake! Happy Birthday! I love you Esther Victoria!

Not about Christmas

We are now 5 days removed from losing our babies and the grief seems to be getting more intense, at least for me (Jess). I guess I'm struggling now with how life goes back to "normal". We are in IN with Josh's family, but I don't feel like myself, and I feel like other people sense that and don't quite know what to make of the quiet, reserved Jess. That makes me feel bad, b/c I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable, I just don't have anything to say (I know that's hard to believe). I'm forgetting things that happened a couple weeks ago, I can't seem to come up with simple answers, like, "Is Olivia still into Dora?" I just can't come up with words to answer the question, it frustates me.

It's not that I'm thinking about the babies all the time, or even questioning God (which I've done), it's just I don't feel like myself. Maybe myself is forever changed, maybe I'll get over it, maybe I won't. I guess I need to know where to go from here.

I am trusting that God is leading me out of the "valley of shadow of death" and that his "rod and staff are comforting me". This Psalm has not stopped running through my head these last couple of days and brings me comfort. I am resting in the wing of the true Comforter and finding just that, amidst the confusion in my mind.

Thank you for all your prayers and comments. Thank you for reading the babblings of my heart.

News

As many of our fathiful followers of our blog have known we were expecting our fouth baby on May 8th 2007. I have sad news that we found out on Tuesday of this week that the BABIES are no longer with us. Josh and I went in for our 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby and learned that there was not just one, but two babies who had gone to see our Jesus before we ever got to meet them. The emotions that ran through us in those first moments, learning of twins, then learning they were gone, cannot be expressed on paper. I had known something wasn't right with the baby for a couple weeks now - there was some kind of mothers intuition that was telling me something was wrong. I even took a pregnancy test a couple of weeks ago, b/c I was that certain. It did come back positive, but the Dr. said that would happen b/c those hormons remain in the body for a while. At the time of the ultrasound, they were only measuring 13.5 weeks - they do shrink down after they are gone, but not that much. So, my belief is that they had been gone for many weeks and my body just held on to them. The other kids don't really understand the depth of loss and are just worried about mommy, whose "nose is still red and is crying again."

I had a D&C yesterday and am recovering under the strict watch of my loving and sweet husband who won't let me do anything! It's a little weird to go from doing everything all day, to nothing. I love him for making me rest and I love him for being the one I get to go through this with. I love that he wants to protect me and tell me I did nothing wrong. I love him for being sad and for knowing that this still won't be the end of the Crisp kids for us.

God has been a strong sustainer in all this and has given me great peace today (don't know how I'll be tomorrow). I praise him for knowing what we need before we do and for being in control, even when we don't understand His reasoning. I'm thankful I've got two babies in heaven waiting for us. And I know that they will never have to endure the hardships of this life, and for that I am thankful. As much as I wish they could be mine, I know they are better with our Jesus.

Happy 4th Brithday Olivia!

Olivia turns 4 tomorrow - I can hardly believe it! I meant to put the pictures in order of the years - but downloaded them and than realized I'd forgotten last year - so that's the first pic.




Last December when Olivia was 3.


Olivia - 1 month


Olivia eating her 1st birthday cake.


Olivia at 2 - still not much of a baller!



Olivia cheesing it up for the camera at a holiday parade this year!

Playing in the snow

Josh shared in October about our snow, that was crazy! November was very mild and nice, but now that December has arrived, so has the snow. The kids are having a great time playing in it. You'll notice that getting a picture of the three of them is nearly impossible, and when I can, it's not good at all!

Get to know Olivia

Everyone keeps asking me what they should get for Olivia for Christmas, and I keep telling them something creatively driven. Olivia would sit for hours and paint, color, bead, bake, etc. A few weeks ago we had a cookie decorating day at our moms group from church and Olivia loved it! All the kids had fun, but got tired of it pretty quickly, Olivia wanted to decorate all afternoon (Notice, there are no other kids at the table with her). There were cookies that didn't make the cut because they were broken, she decorated those the next day - every last one. She's also got a little OCD in her, she organizes everything. Her blocks get put into color towers, with alike letters. Her halloween candy was organized into catagories as well. When she opens candy, like smarties or sweet tarts, they all get put into color piles, then she can eat them. It's pretty funny right now, but I'm a little scared about the future. . . Anyway, all that to explain the snowflake cookie with chocolate chips that match the icing beneath it. There were no purple chips and after a slight freak out she had to settle with green and orange.